It’s officially August, and that means it’s the time of year that sports fans forget about all other fantasies that don’t involve fantasy football. Although many of us have been doing mock drafts and rating running backs since the Super Bowl ended, draft time is officially right around the corner. With crimes being so rampant in the NFL right now, I’m here to make sure you don’t commit one during your draft. Don’t be the one who ruins their league’s draft and gets his trades vetoed all season long. Everyone hates “that guy.” Nobody wants to be “that guy.” So, don’t be “that guy.” Protect yourself and don’t act as any of the following:
The Delay of Game
Don’t be the guy who shows up late to his draft. Odds are you’ve known about the date and time for weeks. If you’re doing an online draft, all it takes is one or two auto drafts and not only can your team be ruined, but the whole league drastically changes. If you are all drafting in person, you are making the whole league wait on you. We all know that fantasy drafts are a process that will take hours to get done. Also, by being late you drastically increase the risks that the beer will be gone before the kickers start going. If you make the league wait for the draft, you will wait on the league during the draft. Enjoy being the guy to grab everyone’s beers from the fridge.
If you’re playing in a money league, don’t show up to the draft without having paid your dues. Asking someone for money is always an awkward situation, so do your best to avoid it and pay on time. Don’t be the douche that keeps trying to get out of paying because he doesn’t like the team he drafted. The earlier that all the money is collected, the better it is for the entire league. Good luck trying to get a guy that is 2-10 to fork over $100 come playoff time. Make it easy for everyone and don’t be the bum that can’t pay.
This is the guy who has been living under a rock, sat in the dark, or suffered a serious head injury the day before the draft. You know, the guy who is going to draft Aaron Hernandez in the fourth round and think he got a steal. You’ll know you are this guy because you will draft a person and immediately hear the entire room laugh out loud at you. Not only will you ruin your draft, but you will be the butt of every joke the entire season.
We’ve all heard them before: “I never get the first pick,” “this is the worst year to pick eighth,” or “if I had your pick my team would be so much better.” There’s always that guy who decides to whine about his draft position. Nobody wants to hear your excuse for why your team sucks. It’s not where you drafted, it’s just you.
This is the guy who gets most hated by his fellow fantasy players. It’s bound to happen at some point during the draft, and odds are it will ruin the pick you had lined up. This is the guy who yells “How is (insert player here) still on the board in this round?!” If you scream about a player still sitting on the board, everyone who wanted that player will hate you and rightfully so. Odds are some people saw him, but didn’t want to blow their chance getting him by yelling it out. This is a fantasy no-no and may get you punched in the throat.
Big whoopdy doo, you watched NFL Network and ESPN all week long and are throwing around more facts than Biogenesis throws out steroids. Few things are more annoying than this guy. Just because you watched and read Matthew Berry all week doesn’t mean you should pretend to be him. Nobody likes a know-it-all and everyone hates a person who simply is ACTING like a know-it-all. No matter what you say, I don’t need to know the name of every center, tackle or guard and their lingering ankle, middle toe or nipple injury to draft my running back. Some things are better left unsaid.
The Computer Thief
If you’ve ever had to share your computer with someone during a fantasy draft, you’ll know that this is one of the worst things that can happen. Don’t be the guy who forgets to bring his laptop to the draft. When you make someone else share their computer with you, you take away their time to research, can look at their draft queue, and just all around piss that person off. Make sure to bring your own computer and charge it before the draft. Draft picks are like girlfriends, some things you just don’t share.
The Macaulay Culkin
This is the guy who brags about his fantasy championships throughout the draft even though he hasn’t won in years. The only champ that escapes being a Macaulay Culkin is the league’s champion from last year. If you won your league last year, boast away, you’ve earned it. If you have to talk about the 8-man league you won five years ago, nobody wants to hear it. You may have been a hit in the past and had some glory moments, but you’re washed up now.
There’s a time limit on draft picks for a reason, so don’t be that guy who uses the ENTIRE time limit each and every time you pick. Fantasy drafts are already a long process and don’t need to be made longer by you taking forever to decide between kickers. Few things are more annoying than the first or twelfth pick taking the full time for their two picks in a row. It’s like being stuck in line at a drive-thru because the guy in front of you placed a huge order. Don’t be the guy that slows everything down to a snail’s pace.
The Ed Hochuli
This is the guy who is constantly asking about the rules of the league. He’s either complaining about them, asking what they are or suggesting new ones. He’s bound to bust out, “we should really go PPR” or “the flex position shouldn’t allow running backs,” if it would help his team out. All this does is make everyone else wish they hadn’t allowed you in the league. The draft is not the time to bring up issues with league rules.
This is the guy who read a bunch of fantasy articles about this year’s fantasy football sleepers and proceeds to draft every player named. Not only does he draft every sleeper, he also makes sure everyone knows that the player is indeed a sleeper. If you say “this guy is going to be good, he’s my sleeper pick,” you’re guilty. He’s everyone’s sleeper pick and ESPN has shown him about 10 times in their fantasy sleeper segment. By the end of the draft this guy is bragging about his team’s potential and the entire league is hoping that they’re all busts.
So the draft is completely over and you managed to not commit any of the acts that’ll turn you into “that guy.” You’re not out of danger yet, however, and the last thing you want to do is be caught roster-bating. Roster-bating is when you simply stare at your team saying how good your team is and how much you love it. If you’re going to do it, don’t do it out loud or in public, you’ll only embarrass yourself.